[Tuesday, January 25, 2005]
i came across this literary work sa bulletin board ng friendster.. nakarelate daw ako? hehe..joke lang.. nagandahan lang talaga me.. ang galing.. lam ko yung pain na tinutukoy niya.. hindi man siguro ganon kaintense yung naramdaman ko, still, i know it.. galing daw po to sa peyups.. read on.. (",)
LOSING FAITH
It's over. Finally, I can breathe. I can have a life again, something apart from always trying to be there for you. I can stop trying to understand, trying to make you see that we can work through this, that our love is worth fighting for. All the uncertainty, all the confusion, all the pain of not knowing where I went wrong, is finally over. Damn you for putting me through all that. Damn you for taking my belief in love, my belief in forever, my belief in you, and handing them back to me broken, saying you cant deal with them anymore. You will never know how much you hurt me by just giving up, you will never know how much you scared me from loving as much as I loved you ever again.
I did not deserve to be hurt that way. And you didnt deserve my trust.
So much wasted emotion. I had so much more tenderness to give, I could have stayed with you longer, but you didn't think it would be worth our while. I know you still love me, as I know that you were too damned scared to be vulnerable. And I was stupid enough to hope I can help you conquer that fear, or live with it, so that you can take the risk of letting me into your heart. Not anymore. You would rather hurt me than let down your guard.
I loved you. Honestly, bravely, intensely I loved you. But it wasnt enough.
I hate the fact that we could have saved us, but we didn't. We simply gave up something rare, something that doesn't come along everyday. I hate the emptiness. I hate the regrets.
But the worst thing about all this is the simple, stupid, pathetic truth that I miss you. I miss you. I knew losing you would be painful, but pain, I can deal with. I can cope with the sharp, intense rush of emotion that cuts like a knife, but is relieved somehow by tears and is dulled by the passage of time. What I didn't expect was the sadness the steady, lingering hurt that comes with the realization that you will never again look at me as if I'm precious, special, and infinitely cherished, you will never again call me "max ko" with the tender amazement that I really am yours. It's the constant heaviness that haunts me and makes me wonder if I'll ever be whole again without you, of if I'll always mourn the part of me that died with our love. I miss you. And I'm to be totally honest with myself, I'll have to admit that I'd do anything, give everything even go through all the confusion again, just to find a way for you to keep believing in us. But theres no chance of that.
Some goodbyes are final. I have a feeling this one is. :(
wahuhu.. ang sad di ba.. tanong ulet, nakakarelate daw ako? slight.. ahehehe.. siguro ganito, bring the intensity two levels lower.. yun.. swak.. nakarelate ako..
tnx nga pala to ernz for posting this sa friendster..hehe.. (",)
~*O*~
(,") mAx (",) shed her cocoon at 9:23:00 PM
hantoxic!!!!!!!!!!!
~*O*~
(,") mAx (",) shed her cocoon at 3:25:00 PM
Care to leave your thoughts?
[Saturday, January 15, 2005]
Papers:
1. Initial Database - 31 pages (napasa ko na)
2. Problem sheet - 5 pages (napasa ko na)
3. Nursing Care Plan - hindi ko pa napapass..siguradong marami na naman to..due on wednesday
4. Teaching Plan - hindi ko pa rin napapass..due on wednesday..
5. Reflection paper - 5 pages..due on monday..
6. and many more papers to come! Waaah!
Exams:
1. January 7 (friday) - N5-Pharmacology (shetness..forget about this exam!)
2. January 10 (monday) - N11 - Nursing Foundations II (lecture)
3. January 11 (tuesday) - N11- Nursing Foundations II (written lab)
4. January 13 (thursday) - N12 - Community Health Nursing (MCN)
5. January 15 (saturday-ngayon) - N11 - Nursing Foundations (practical lab)
6. and many more exams to come! Waaah!
Duty:
1. Every wednesday, 7am-12pm
2. Every thursday, 7am-12pm
3. Every friday, 7am-12pm
4. and many more clinical duties to come! Waaah!
gusto kong umiyak.. gusto kong magcollapse.. gusto kong itigil ang oras.. sa bilis ng pag-ikot ng mundo at sa dami ng dapat gawin, pati paghinga nakakalimutan ko na..
pag nagrarant ako sa friends ko about toxicity, lagi nilang sinasabi "ang dami mo namang ginagawa, natutulog ka pa ba?" sagot ko, "tulog? ano yun?"
nagsend sakin ng text message si dangell kagabi, sabi dun:
"it drives you crazy, it makes you mad..it makes you jealous, it makes you sad..it causes you sleepless nights, it even breaks your heart..Now come to think of it, is it healthy to FALL IN LOVE?"
sabi ko sa kanya, may sarili akong version niyan:
"it drives you crazy, it makes you mad..it causes you sleepless nights, it makes you sad..Now come to think of it.. is it healthy to be A NURSING STUDENT?"
ang ironic lang isipin na walang tinuturo samin ang mga prof namin kundi health promotion at wala kaming ginawa sa clients namin kundi maghealth teaching tas kami mismong mga nursing students ng UP ay not healthy?!
buti na lang it does not make me jealous and does not break my heart.. because i've had enough of those.. ayoko na talaga..
isang malaking GOODLUCK sa akin at sa mga kaklase ko..
~~~~~~
ang dami na ngang problema, umeepal pa to.. isang taong dapat na unang tumutulong sayo pag sobrang ayaw mo ng mabuhay, siya pa tong isa sa mga pinoproblema mo.. ang sakit sa ulo.. sakit sa puso.. duh, ang corny..
I miss my sleep.. so much.. i think i'll get some soon.. before i engage myself to making my seemingly endless papers.. adios..
the song i love at the moment:
If The Feeling Is Gone
by Kyla
If the feeling is gone
please don't pretend that you still love me
I can see it in your eyes
and it hurts to admit it
I can tell that the feeling is gone
All i ask is just a little honesty
Though i know that you're not coming back to me
You know i'll do anything to make you stay
But i just have to let you know
If the feeling is gone
There is sadness in your smile
Though it try to conceal it
I can tell if the feeling is gone
All i ask is just a little honesty
Though i know that you're not coming back to me
You know i'll do anything to make you stay
But i just have to let you go
If the feeling is gone
All i ask is just a little honesty
Though i know that you're not coming back to me
You know i'll do anything to make you stay
But i just have to let you go
I just have to let you go
I just have to let you go
If the feeling is gone....
Stay...
Care to leave your thoughts?
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